dirt
I pooped myself half running a marathon – but set a new record
My neighbor refused to pick up after her pup – so I returned the poop to her
The large, “precious” dirt – officially known as the Lloyds Bank coprolite, the formal term for fossilized turds – is a 1,200-year-old log that is believed to be the largest recorded in human history
It was found under what would later become a local bank branch, according to Atlas Obscura
The manure takes its name from the institution — Lloyds Bank
The huge poo had another red letter moment in 1991 when dung scientist Dr Andrew Jones evaluated the piece on behalf of insurance
“This is the most exciting piece of dirt I’ve ever seen,” he told the Wall Street Journal at the time
Paleoscatologists were able to recognize a lot from the girthy deposit, including that its producer ate the most meat and bread was probably a Viking, lived approximately in the 9th century AD – and had a gut full of parasites
Indeed, the dung was found to be infested with Whipworm and Maw-worm eggs, suggesting that the Viking often had an upset stomach and other gastrointestinal problems, wrote Atlas Obscura
Viking dung is estimated to be 1,200 years oldGetty Images
Today, the log sits in a glass case at the Jorvik Viking Center where, in 2003, visitors dropped it, splitting it into three pieces
“If you want to make your own viking poo during the livestream (adult supervision is highly recommended! ), you’ll need a few ingredients to get going
We will go through the ‘method’ during the livestream!” the Center advertised at the time
It has recently come to our attention that some men enjoy the academic pursuit of weighing themselves before and after taking a big dump
Particularly inspired by a discussion of “what’s the heaviest shit you’ve ever taken” on r/AskMen, we decided to seek professional help to discover what’s healthy and expected when pushing a log for the books records
So: What’s the biggest shit possible, and did this guy actually break the record?
Do you ever weigh yourself before and after pooping?
What was your biggest shit?
Many men admit to weighing themselves after pooping
Take this guy who reports he’s on the keto diet, and weighs himself after every poop, averaging half a pound per squat
It sure feels great to be a big shitter, but according to Evan Goldstein, a surgeon who specializes in rectal rejuvenation at Bespoke Surgical, a heavier poop doesn’t necessarily mean something “good or bad “
“When someone is on a keto diet, they are on a high-protein, low-sugar diet, which can definitely lead to bulkier stools,” he explains
The high amount of protein leads to a dense stool, while a diet high in sugar and fat does the opposite — it produces “more stool, but not necessarily heavy stool “
In other words, one heavy shit versus, say, seven pounds of diarrhea is simply a reflection of someone’s diet — not a marker of their health
“At the end of the day, it’s more the desired effect that one is achieving,” says Goldstein
“I’m assuming it’s weight loss, rather than a loaded defecation “
So fine shits, heavier doesn’t make you stronger
But let’s get back to the guy who says he weighed 15 pounds less after dropping deuces
Or this guy who claims he lost 21 pounds after crashing
Or the man who takes care of an obese patient who pooped once a week, and produced something so huge that it had to go in the trash rather than the toilet
None of those stories could be true, could they?
I mean, you can’t possibly be physically equipped to give birth to something that weighs double or triple the size of the average newborn
Judith Meer, a physical therapist who specializes in the pelvic floor, explains, “You tend to produce about an ounce of stool for every 12 pounds of body weight — so if you haven’t had a bowel movement in a few days, you may ‘ you have a few pounds of stool weighing you down” She adds, however, that she “would be surprised” if 15 pounds is a realistic amount of weight loss
“This particular situation sounds more than excessive to me,” says Goldstein
“But the colon can definitely stretch and hold a load of, well, shit “
If you want to have particularly heavy shits, again, do it through your diet
“Things like protein, fiber and fiber can contribute to ‘heavier’ stools,” explains Goldstein
This man, for example, claims that he got “11 inches” of dirt that he “needed to cut with a wooden spoon before he could handle it” Forget what kind of havoc it causes on your plumbing, apparently it can’t be good for your ass/body either
“Essentially, this guy had to be super relaxed and was able to prevent his rectal muscles from contracting,” Goldstein explains
“That allowed the stool to come out in one piece
Otherwise, the muscles of the rectum help to ‘cut’ the stool as it is coming out “
According to Meer, assuming that the rectal muscles are relaxed, such a stool is possible since the curvatures of the long intestine will not break up the stool
“It’s possible to have stool that’s a foot or longer,” she says, “especially considering that the large intestine is about five to six feet long in total “
What you should be aware of, she says, is the opposite of relaxed buttock muscles
“We assess stool quality using the Bristol Stool Scale to determine if someone’s diet would benefit from more water or fibre
Therefore, a long sausage-like stool is what one should aim for
For someone who witnesses smaller pieces of stool, they may have trouble relaxing their rectal muscles, and therefore, those muscles are preventing a long, smooth stool from passing out of their body “
The opposite — “pellet-like dirt” — are not ideal
“If someone feels an urgency to defecate but can’t seem to get it out, this could indicate stool hardness due to a lack of fiber and water,” says Meer
“Or if the stool that eventually comes out is not firm, it’s a matter of how the abdominal or pelvic muscles are working “
At a certain point, constipation reaches the point of no return, and the stool needs to be surgically removed
Case in point: This woman needed to remove the affected stool after three weeks of constipation because they kill the pain
Doctors removed 66 pounds of fecal matter from her body
She looked legitimately pregnant with dirt in the “before” picture
Goldstein says that such procedures are not common, but that he has performed them on a couple of occasions
“It’s more common in older individuals or those who overuse pain medication,” he explains
“What is key for each of them is to be on a proper and regular bowel regimen to prevent constipation and to keep things moving “
One sign of your poop growing out of control can be back pain, says Meer
“Chronic constipation can cause low back pain, as the hard mass of fecal matter presses on the sacral nerves of the lower back “
This may explain why one redditor claimed he felt his back “pop” after dropping a 65 pound dookie
“Defecation can translate into the generation of significant forces that can affect other regions in a significant way,” explains Goldstein
“So [the pop] could have been due to the pressure he exerted while defecating, the angle of his pelvis while sitting on the toilet and/or the height of the toilet which he was using” Successful pooping takes “an exquisitely coordinated ballet of muscle and nerve function,” Meer adds
The lesson here: Don’t screw up by tightening your butthole to accumulate your poop in hopes of having an extra heavy bowel movement later
Quinn Myers
Quinn Myers is a staff writer at the MEL
He reports on internet culture, technology, health, masculinity and the communities that flourish within
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