This will probably be the most vulnerable post I’ve ever written.
My weight has definitely gone up and down over the last eight years of “maintenance”.
Each and every time I gain a significant amount of weight (10 pounds or more), I start to question whether it is the beginning of my gain all back.
When I lost weight, I knew that the odds were against me; according to statistics, there is a 95% chance that I will gain all the weight back, plus more, in two years.
And even though I’ve maintained a great weight loss for eight years now, I never feel like I’m really “there” (in maintenance) yet.
However, every time I think I finally have it figured out and I feel confident enough to express it on my blog, the weight goes back on.
The times I did well and felt good, it was easy to feel that they would last forever.
Last year, for example, I was 99% sure I was finally where I was looking for–I was healthy, eating in a sustainable way that made me feel good, and I was just doing what I was made to do. I like it.
I feel pretty good about my life in general, and I think I’ll keep that feeling for the rest of my life.
When the weight started creeping up, I was worried.
I don’t binge eat; I’m just overeating in general.
I remember at around 144, and not too worried – I was “only” 11 pounds over the goal weight.
I know how long it will take to lose the weight (again) and I feel overwhelmed.
Recently, I stepped on the scale to see 158 – dangerously high weight in 8 years.
I felt like it came out of nowhere.
I still haven’t binge eaten, and to see the numbers is a little mortifying.
Finally, yesterday, I got on the scale and saw the highest number I’ve seen in the 8 years since I lost 125 pounds: 162.8.
I wish I could say all sorts of inspiring things about how I want to lose this weight and how it will not stop me from trying; but to be honest, I am very worried that the scale will continue to rise.
I’ve been trying to count calories again, something I’ve always been able to do for months, but I just can’t stick with it for very long (like a day or two).
I want to–I really want to–but I just can’t seem to make the habit work and make it part of my life like it used to.
Every time I ran, it felt harder (no doubt because of the weight).
If it feels like it used to, where easy running is really easy, I’ll be more motivated to get out and do it.
Feeling this lack of form not only affects my body, but also my motivation.
I want to come up with some actionable plans to get back on track and lose weight.
I feel like I’ve gone too far and this.
I try not to feel so negative about this, but that is much harder than it sounds.
When I say I want to make a plan, I don’t mean a “challenge” (you know I love to make a challenge!).
I need to focus on making simple changes that I can make–just like I did in 2009.
I can change the rest as I go, but to start, I want to make a small goal to at least get back into good habits.
The first priority is actually not diet; it’s running.
I want to open regularly again so bad.
I miss feeling like a runner, and pushing myself to do things I once thought were impossible.
When I was a cross country coach, I wanted to be a good role model.
Yes, I know how to train – but I want to be a runner who trains.
This photo is from one of my favorite runs.
In 2010, when I decided to start walking for fitness, I made a promise to myself: I was going to walk three times a week for at least 30 minutes…
So, my first plan is to go back to how I started: running three times a week for 30+ minutes each time.
As far as my diet, I want to try something new for a while (Maybe just a few weeks to see how it goes).
Over the last nine years, I have learned that every time I gain a significant amount of weight back, I do something new to lose it.
In September 2012, I tried Weight Watchers new program (at the time), starting at 156 pounds.
I started counting calories in August 2015 at 158 pounds.
My goal weight was down to 133 in November 2015.
I continue to lose weight without really trying to, which I believe is from heart rate training.
I’ve always chosen a way of eating that works for me – a modified “intuitive eating” lifestyle.
I decided to start fresh in February 2017, and I weighed less than 160.
Changes in lifestyle come naturally.
I was back at my target weight in June 2017.
I’ve recently been trying to go back to things that have worked for me in the past, and I just can’t seem to stick with them.
The only thing I can tell you is that I’m not going to make any changes that I’m not going to make in my lifetime.
And I’ll stick with that.
I have always believed that reaching the healthiest weight can be achieved by simply eating less food.
Eat less often.
I do not believe that the body needs food as much as it is taught.
When I was eating intuitively, I was eating the part that just felt right; and I don’t force myself to eat if I’m not hungry.
So, I want to try to make a small change now.
I want to eat only when I’m really hungry.
Lately I’ve been eating when I’m worried, when I’m stressed, when I’m celebrating something, and other reasons, whether I’m hungry or not.
Just focusing on small changes will help me feel more in control, and later I can work on other habits.
Regardless, running is my number one priority, and I’m determined to do that.
I went for a run Wednesday morning just because I felt like it (my body was so sore and stiff from working on our house project, I actually thought running would feel good!).
One thing I do know is that I want to do my best to lose this weight.
I don’t like how I look and I definitely don’t like how I feel.
I feel sluggish, which is exactly how I felt at 253 pounds.
And I can’t stand the thought of being part of the statistics that say I’m going to gain the weight back.
I have not posted pictures of myself on the blog for the same reason.
I know this is a small reason to want to lose weight, but there are other serious reasons, too.
Running has always helped with anxiety, and I definitely want to be less anxious.
Running has made me feel good about myself, whether I’m 160 pounds or 121 pounds.
Overeating makes me tired all the time, which makes me unproductive; eating only when i’m hungry will make me more energetic.
Also, I’ve been dealing with back, neck, and shoulder pain (like last year when I was in physical therapy).
I’m sure the extra weight didn’t help.
When I walk regularly and eat the right portions, I don’t remember this pain.
I am at the highest weight I have been in 8 years
Extra weight affects your mood, health, and overall mindset
I am afraid that my weight will continue to increase and I will gain it all back
I want to run again – three times a week to start – and that’s my top priority right now
I want to eat only when I’m hungry
I want to lose weight not just for vanity reasons, but for my overall health and well-being
This post is not meant to be a downer or “poor me, I feel sorry for you”.
It is not to make excuses.
I am writing this post because it feels good to open up and not feel like there is anything to hide.
I always try to be open and honest in my blog, even though I feel very vulnerable when I write about personal things like this.
Hopefully I’ll have a good report in the coming weeks.
Seeing the 160s was a huge reality check, and I finally felt like I was ready.
I will work on it slowly (one small step) and eventually, I hope to get back to my goal weight (once again).