“Gaining Weight for the Holidays: The Heaviest

This will probably be the most vulnerable post I’ve ever written

My weight has obviously gone up and down over the last eight years of ‘maintenance’

Every time I gain a significant amount of weight (10 pounds or so) I start to wonder if this is the beginning of my weight gain back

When I lost the weight, I knew the odds were against me; according to the statistics there was a 95% chance that I would gain all the weight back and more within two years

And even though I’ve been maintaining a lot of weight loss for eight years now, I still never feel like I’m really “there” (at maintenance)

And yet, every time I think I’ve finally figured it out and feel confident enough to put it on my blog, I gain weight again

In times when I’m doing great and feeling great, it’s easy to feel like it’s going to last forever

For example, last year I was 99% sure that I had finally gotten to the place I was looking for – I was healthy, eating sustainably that made me feel good, and just doing what made me happy

In general, I felt really good about my life and I felt like I would keep this feeling forever

When the weight started creeping up, I was worried

I didn’t overeat; I just overeat in general

I remember being around 144 and not too concerned – I was “only” 11 pounds over my goal weight

I knew how long it would take to lose this weight (again) and I felt overwhelmed

I recently stepped on the scale to see 158 – dangerously close to my highest weight in 8 years

I had the feeling that it just came out of nowhere

I still hadn’t eaten and seeing that number was a bit disheartening

I finally got on the scale yesterday and saw the highest number I’ve seen in 8 years since losing 125 pounds: 1628

I wish I could say all kinds of inspirational things about how I’m going to lose this weight and how it won’t stop me from trying; but frankly, I’m very worried that the rate will continue to rise

I tried counting calories again, something that has always worked in the past, but I can’t seem to stick with it for long (like a day or two)

I want to–I really, really want to–but I can’t seem to pick up the habit and make it part of my life like it used to

Every time I run it feels like it’s getting harder and harder (no doubt due to the weight gain)

If it was like it used to be, where easy running actually felt easy, I think I’d be a lot more motivated to go out and do it

Feeling out of shape took a toll not only on my body but also on my motivation

I would like to come up with some workable plan to hopefully get back on track and lose weight

I feel like I’m too far and this is it

I try not to be so negative about it, but it’s a lot harder than it sounds

When I say I want to make a plan, I don’t mean a “challenge” (you know I love making challenges! )

I have to focus on simple changes that I can live with – just like in 2009

I may change more as I go, but I want to start with small goals to at least get back into good habits

My first priority is actually not my diet; it’s already running

I really want to run regularly again

I miss feeling like a runner and pushing myself to do things I once thought were impossible

When I train cross country, I want to be a good role model

Yes, I know how to train, but I really want to be a runner who trains

This photo is from one of my favorite runs

In 2010, when I decided to start fitness running, I made a promise to myself: I would run three times a week for at least 30 minutes

So my first plan is to get back into running by going back to how it all started: running three times a week for 30 minutes or more

As for my diet, I want to try something new for a while (maybe just a few weeks to see how it goes)

Over the past nine years, I’ve learned that every time I gain significant weight back, I do something new to lose it

In September 2012, I tried the new (then) Weight Watchers program, starting at 156 pounds

I started counting calories in August 2015 at 158 ​​pounds

In November 2015 I reached my goal weight of 133

I continued to lose weight without really trying, which I believe was due to the heart rate training

Naturally, I chose a way of eating that worked for me – a modified “intuitive eating” lifestyle

In February 2017 I decided to start over and my weight was just under 160

The lifestyle changes came naturally

By June 2017, I was back at my goal weight

I recently tried going back to these things that worked in the past and I can’t seem to get them to stick

One thing I’ve always said is that I won’t make changes I’m not willing to make for the rest of my life

And I will stick to that

I have always believed that the healthiest weight is achieved by simply eating less food

Eat less often

I don’t believe our bodies need as much food as we’ve been taught we should

When I ate intuitively, I ate portions that felt right; and I didn’t force myself to eat if I wasn’t hungry

So now I would like to work on one small change

I only want to eat when I’m really hungry

Lately I’ve been eating when I’m anxious, under stress, when I’m celebrating something, and for other reasons, whether I’m hungry or not

Focusing on just this small change will help me feel more in control and I can work on another habit later

Regardless, running is my number one priority and I’m determined to do it

I went for a run Wednesday morning just because I felt like it (my body is so sore and stiff from working on our house project, I actually thought a run would be good! )

One thing I know for sure is that I want to do everything I can to lose this weight

I’m not happy with how I look and I’m definitely not happy with how I feel

I feel sluggish, which is exactly how I felt at 253 lbs

And I can’t bear the thought of becoming part of that statistic that says I’m going to gain it back

For the same reason, I didn’t post my photos on my blog

I know these are petty reasons for wanting to lose weight, but there are other more serious reasons

Running has always helped me with anxiety and of course I want to be less anxious

Running made me feel good about myself whether I was 160 pounds or 121 pounds

Overeating makes me feel tired all the time, which makes me unproductive; eating only when i’m hungry gives me energy

I also had a lot of back, neck, and shoulder pain (same as last year when I was in physical therapy)

I’m sure the extra pounds don’t help

When I was running regularly and eating the right portions, I don’t remember feeling this much pain

I am at my highest weight in 8 years

In addition, kilos affect my mood, health and overall mindset

I’m terrified that my weight will keep going up and I’ll gain it all back

I want to run again – three times a week to start with – and that’s my top priority right now

I will only work on eating when I am physically hungry

I want to get my weight back, not just for vanity reasons, but for my health and overall well-being

This post is not meant to be demeaning or “poor me, I’m sorry”

It’s not meant to be apologetic

I’m writing this post because it feels good to put it out there and not feel like I’m hiding anything

I’ve always tried to be open and honest on my blog, even though I feel very vulnerable when I write such personal things

I hope to have good news in the coming weeks

Seeing 160 was a big reality check and I finally feel like I’m ready for it

I will work on it slowly (one baby step at a time) and hopefully eventually get back to my goal weight (once again)

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