“Runs for Cookies: The Heaviest I’ve Been

This is probably the weakest post I’ve ever written

My weight has apparently fluctuated over the last eight years of “maintenance”

Each and every time I gain a significant amount of weight (10 pounds or more), I start to question if this is the start of me gaining it all back

When I lost weight, I knew the odds were against me; according to statistics, there is a 95% chance that I will regain all the weight, plus, within two years

And even though I’ve been maintaining and losing a lot of weight for eight years, I still don’t feel like I’m really “there” (on maintenance)

And yet, every time I thought I finally figured it out and felt confident enough to express it on my blog, I gained weight

The times where I’m doing well and feeling good, it’s easy to feel like they last forever

Last year, for example, I was 99% sure that I was exactly where I wanted to be–I was healthy, I was eating in a sustainable way that made me happy, and I was just doing what made me feel good i am happy

I feel really good about my life in general, and I feel like I will keep that feeling forever

When the weight started to rise, I was worried

I don’t overeat; In general, I eat too much

I remember being around 144, and not too worried–I was “only” 11 pounds over my goal weight

I know how long it will take to lose that weight (again) and I feel overwhelmed

Recently, I stepped on the scale to find 158–dangerously close to my highest weight in 8 years

I felt like it came out of nowhere

I still don’t overeat, and seeing that number is pretty sad

Finally, yesterday, I got on the scale and saw the highest number I’ve seen in 8 years since losing 125 pounds: 1628

I wish I could say all kinds of encouraging things about how I can lose this weight and how it won’t stop me from trying; but to be honest, I’m very worried that the scale will keep going up

I tried counting calories again, something that always worked before, but I couldn’t seem to keep it up for long (like a day or two)

I want to–I really want to–but I just can’t seem to get into that habit and make it a part of my life like it used to be

Every time I run, you seem to be getting stiffer (no doubt due to the weight gain)

If it felt like this before, where a quick run actually felt easy, I think I would be more motivated to go out and do it

Feeling this out of shape not only took a toll on my body, but on my motivation as well

I want to come up with some sort of doable plan to hopefully get back on track and lose this weight

I feel like I’ve gone too far and that’s it

I’m trying not to feel negative about it, but that’s harder than it sounds

When I say I want to make a plan, I don’t mean a “challenge” (you know I love making challenges! )

I need to focus on making simple changes that I can live with–just like I did in 2009

I’ll change more as I go along, but to start, I want to set small goals to get back into good behavior

My first priority is actually not my diet; already running

I want to run again so badly

I miss feeling like a runner, and pushing myself to do things I once thought were impossible

When I coach cross country, I want to be a good role model

Yes, I know how to coach–but I want to be a coachable runner

This photo is from one of my favorite runs

In 2010, when I decided to start running for fitness, I promised myself: I would run three times a week for at least 30 minutes

So, my first plan was to get back into running by going back to how it started: running three times per week for 30+ minutes each time

As far as my diet goes, I want to try something new for a while (maybe just a few weeks to see how it goes)

Over the past nine years, I’ve learned that every time I gain weight, I do something new to lose it

In September 2012, I tried the new Weight Watchers program, starting at 156 pounds

I started counting calories in August 2015 at 158 ​​pounds

I reached my goal weight of 133 in November 2015

I continued to lose weight without really trying, which I believe came from my heart rate training

Naturally I chose a way of eating that worked for me–a modified “intuitive eating” lifestyle

I decided to start fresh in February 2017, and my weight is just under 160

Lifestyle changes happen naturally

I returned to my goal weight in June 2017

I recently tried to get these things back to work, and I can’t seem to get them to work

One thing I’ve always said is that I’m not going to make changes that I don’t want to make for the rest of my life

And I will continue it

I have always believed that reaching our healthiest weight can be achieved simply by eating less food

Eating less often

I don’t believe that our body needs as much food as we are taught to eat

When I eat intuitively, I eat portions that feel right; and I don’t force myself to eat when I’m not hungry

So, I just want to work on a little change now

I only want to eat when I’m really hungry

In the past, I ate when I was worried, when I was stressed, when I was celebrating, and other reasons, whether I was hungry or not

Focusing on that small change helps me feel more in control, and then later I can commit to another habit

Regardless, running is my number one priority, and I’m determined to do that

I went for a run Wednesday morning just because I felt like it (my body was so sore and stiff from working on our project at home, I actually thought the run was going well! )

One thing I know for sure is that I want to do my best to lose this weight

I’m not happy with how I look and I’m never happy with how I feel

I feel slow, which is exactly how I feel at 253 pounds

And I can’t bear the thought of being part of the statistic that says I’ll gain all the weight back

I don’t post pictures of me on my blog for the same reason

I know these are small reasons to want to lose weight, but there are other serious reasons, too

Running has always helped my anxiety, and of course I wanted to be less anxious

Running makes me feel good about myself, whether I’m 160 pounds or 121 pounds

Eating too much makes me feel tired all the time, which makes me unproductive; just eating when I’m hungry makes me feel refreshed

Also, I have a lot of back, neck, and shoulder pain (like last year when I was in physical therapy)

I’m sure being overweight doesn’t help with that

When I was running regularly and eating the right portions, I don’t remember feeling this pain

I am at the highest weight I have been in 8 years

Being overweight has affected my mood, health, and overall thinking

I am afraid that my weight will continue to climb and I will gain it all back

I want to run again–three times a week to begin with–and this is my top priority right now

I only work on food when I’m physically hungry

I want to put my weight back on not only for vanity reasons, but also for my health and overall health

This post is not meant to be a downer or a “poor me, I feel sorry for myself”

It’s not meant to be argumentative

I’m writing this post because it’s good to get it out in the open and not feel like I’m hiding something

I always try to be open and honest in my blog, although I feel very vulnerable when I write personal things like this

I hope I have good things to report in the coming weeks

Watching the 160’s was a huge reality check, and I finally felt like I was ready to do it

I will do it slowly (one small step at a time) and eventually, I hope to get back to my desired weight (once again)

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